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Happy Independence Day — It’s Fun Being The Best Country In The World

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Independence Day is tomorrow, and there’s no better time to remind the rest of the world that America is hands down the greatest thing to ever happen on this planet.

As one of my friends so eloquently put it, “God created America to rule the world so he wouldn’t have to.” Such an alpha-male quote and outlook on life, but it’s without a doubt true. America is a beacon of everything that is awesome in this world.

Our beer is cold, our women are beautiful, our cars are fast, our sports are the best, our guns are always locked and loaded and our military is ready to rock and roll at the drop of the hat.

We’re also the greatest innovators the world has ever seen, and it started long before Apple started cranking out iPhones. During the Revolutionary War the British thought it was best to line up your soldiers and just hope for the best. Then our boy George Washington did a little innovating of his own and decided perhaps it’d be best to play by our own rules. I haven’t heard anybody ask about King George’s opinion ever since. We didn’t play by the rules when our country was founded, and we’ve never gone back to playing by anybody else’s rules.

There is a simple way to measure first world countries and everybody else. You’re a first world country if you’ve ever walked on the moon. If you haven’t, then your opinion doesn’t really matter. You know what all countries that use the metric system have in common? They’ve never won a single Super Bowl. They can keep their weird measurement systems and we’ll be keeping our football.

Having said that, America has never hesitated to lend a hand to our allies across the pond. When Adolf Hitler got a little to big for his britches, the United States shipped over a generation of young men armed with M1 rifles and Thompson submachine guns to invade Normandy. We pushed the Nazis out of Europe with the help of our allies, and the message was sent that if you mess the red, white and blue we will destroy you.

We also show bravery and selflessness in our lives here in the homeland. When terrorists crashed planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, plenty of people rushed to help anybody they could. As Jon Stewart put it, “The reason I don’t worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I’ll take those odds every fucking day.”

We’re the country that embraced Kenny Powers as the entertaining and brash character he is, because we love winning and we hate losing more than anybody else on this planet. In some cultures, Kenny Powers and the show “Eastbound and Down” might be considered offensive. Those countries have never drank the sweet champagne that is winning at life.

Remember the Soviet Union showed up to the 1980 Olympics and got sent home by a group of college hockey players? That was a fun time.

So next time some foreigner tells you that America sucks, just remind them that jealousy doesn’t look good on anybody. And for all you self-loathing citizens who think America is the worst country in the world, feel free to put your iPhone down and hop on the first plane to the Middle East. We don’t want you here and we damn sure don’t need any losers here.

So in closing, tomorrow is an incredible day to grab a cold beer, remember some great American stories, eat some great food, and party as much as you can because George Washington and his buddies didn’t annihilate the British so you could stay home and do nothing. God bless this country and God bless the American people.

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